What to Say to Help Them Feel Safe and Secure
© 2001 By Dr. Charles Fay
At a difficult time like this in our nation’s history, parents all over this country — and the world — are wondering, “What do I tell my kids about this? What do I do?”
Children have an incredible capacity for strength, and parents can play a powerful role in helping their children cope with horribly difficult events. Here are some practical guidelines:
#1: Be honest about your emotions while modeling strength. Our children will cope only as well as we do. Children who see their parents overwhelmed with anxiety, fear, and grief also will become overwhelmed. On the other hand, kids will not have an opportunity to learn healthy expression of feelings if parents stuff their feelings inside.
The key is being honest about your emotions while showing that your family remains strong. For example, you might give your child a hug and say:
This is a very sad thing. Sometimes I feel like crying about it. It also make me mad. But I know we will be OK … because we are strong!
#2: Limit your child’s exposure to media coverage of the event.Turn the television and radio off when your kids are in the room. Repeated exposure tothe visual and spoken images of the tragedy will create more anxiety and fear. Youngerchildren who don’t understand that the scenes are being replayed often believe the actualevents keep happening over and over.
#3: Give them the facts about the event.Don’t try to keep the tragedy a secret! First, it’s simply impossible to do. Second,humans create information when they lack it. When children get bits and pieces of badnews, they “fill in the blanks” with their imagination. Typically their fears, or rumorsthat float about at school, produce more anxiety than the truth.
Children, even as young as 2 years, may need you to lay out the facts about the event.Tell them the basics, while leaving out the more sensitive details. Remember, your toneof voice must communicate compassion and strength.
#4: Listen, listen, listen.
There is nothing more powerful than an open ear, heartfelt understanding and a
warm hug.
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Helping Kids Cope/Page Two
#5: Let them know they are safe.Our children need to hear about the thousands and thousands of wonderful people whoare working day and night to keep us safe. Despite any fears or doubts we may have, ourkids need to hear they are safe.
Make your reassurance short and to the point. When parents spend too much time, too
many words, and too many emotions trying to reassure kids they are safe, it backfires.
Your message will be more powerful and believable if it is very brief and business-like:
There are thousands of people working to keep everyone safe. We are going to be OK. Have a good day at school. I love you.
#6: To the greatest extent possible, maintain daily routines.Daily routines give all of us a sense of predictability, control, and safety. When we stickwith them, we also communicate to our youngsters we are strong enough to keep going… and they are too.
#7: Involve them in helping others.There are few things more therapeutic than helping others. Even actions that may seemsmall, like writing letters of support or sending a box of food to rescue workers, can meana great deal.
After news broke of the tragedies on the East Coast, an elementary school principal whofollowed these tips voiced amazement at how they worked. “I can’t believe how well ourschool dealt with this. The teachers were calm, and so were the kids. Everyone is verysaddened, but we are going to make it through!”
One last thought: Following these guidelines can help, but it is just as important to takegood care of yourself. The healthier you are, the healthier your kids will be.
Dr. Charles Fay is a nationally known speaker, parent, and school psychologistwith The Love and Logic Institute in Golden, Colo. His new video, Hope for Underachieving Kids,and his book, Love and Logic Magic: When Kids Leave You Speechless, provide a wealth ofideas for raising kids who are ready to learn and ready for the real world. For more informationabout Love and Logic parenting and teaching techniques, call 1-800-LUV-LOGICor visit www.loveandlogic.com.